• Trese

Follow? Submit? Obey? Oh My!

Updated: Mar 8

It was probably our longest day in pre-marital counseling. I mean we unearthed some hard truths when we got on the topic of Submission. I found out my husband’s soul was trapped in 1826 and somehow his body was here with me.

What he said…

He had the audacity, the unmitigated gall to refuse my request to omit the “love and OBEY” out of our wedding vows. See, if you know me… I barely obey myself so committing to obey him…. Yea that wasn’t going to happen. Obey?! Not Kobe beef but OBEY as in “Submit to the authority of” WHO?!!? Who was I going to submit to the authority of other than Leon & Teresa (my loving parents)? *If you know me, you know the intense eye roll that is happening as I type this*


Called off the wedding…

Yep, it was that serious. We had other issues that were uncovered during counseling but that right there and his rhetoric behind it, I was not going to be able to say “I do”. I didn’t. And I wouldn’t. Obey is something dogs do. I, as a professed independent woman, would not now, nor ever say the word “Obey” in any wedding vows. As a matter of fact, I didn’t want anything to do with him for even suggesting such a thing, like he TRIED my entire soul!


When the Pastor speaks… I listen

We had a call with his Pastor who also happens to be my father in love. Everyone knows that a call with the in laws is sometimes not going to go in your favor because, well… that’s their child. Papa has always been fair though so I was ok with discussing this with him. In fact, my mother in love got on the call as well. Papa broke it down to me what the Bible REALLY says about submission that many people overlook (my husband included).

Ephesians 5:21-33

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and He is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband

Submit ONE TO ANOTHER. I SAID SUBMIT ONE. TO. ANOTHER. So, husbands indeed need to submit to their wives just as wives submit to their husbands. Submission isn’t just given though, it is earned. If I see you leading me down a path of destruction, I would be a fool to follow behind you or submit to your flights of fancy. God gives you free will and common sense for a reason! However, if a husband is loving his wife as Christ loves the church that means every decision he is making is for the betterment of his family. THAT is something I can get behind.


Why our marriage works…

Obviously, I eventually married J AND I even said “Obey” in our vows, although I stuttered and whispered the word to where it was barely audible. J respects me and I respect him. We aren’t perfect or without flaws but we recognize each other’s strengths and we allow the other to walk in the purpose that is most comfortable for them. We have a motto of staying in our lane and when we need each other we call, text, send a SOS to “tag” the other person in. My husband is still walking around happy and with all his limbs because he has never told me to “obey” him 😊 He’s a very wise man.

Submission doesn’t have to be the awful ideology that many people, especially women, believe. It simply is having a mutual respect and understanding of each other’s roles and responsibilities. If you don’t have that identified in your marriage, you will surely have more arguments and issues than not. Roles will crossover and sometimes mirror each other and that completely ok in a healthy relationship. Just remember, every team has players and every player has a position. Play yours.

What are your thoughts? Did you struggle with the terms “obey” and “submission” like I did? Let me know!

Love & Light,

Trese, Unapologetically

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